A Boat with No Anchor
Ever since I left religion/Christianity/any kind of a faith system about a year ago, I have struggled with a very lost feeling. From the time I was seven years old, I was told constantly that I was supposed to live every breath for Jesus and to strive to make him happy in everything I did. I was taught to doubt my own thoughts, feelings, and desires because they were sinful and worldly and not of God. I was to outsource my decision making, self-worth and emotional catalog to the Almighty because he would be able to help me make the right decision. He would be the good in me and there was no good in me apart from him. He would help me temper my emotions into something palatable for the churchgoers.
I am now experiencing what I can only describe as the terrifying solace of freedom from all of that.
On Instagram earlier today, Derek Webb (formerly of Caedmon’s Call, a ‘90’s Christian band I loved) posted something on his page about his deconstruction journey. He said “Hey, I know life sometimes feels like death. I can’t explain how I know, but you’ll be ok. You don’t need what you’re losing and what you’ll find on the other side will be immeasurably better. Just don’t lose hope.” I was struck by that and felt he was speaking directly to me today. I commented back, “I think the hard part for me is I know what I’m losing (religion, belief, faith) but I don’t know yet what I’m supposed to find or where to find it. I just feel like a boat whose anchor was pulled up but there’s no map to shore.”
I had never thought of it like that, but that is exactly how I feel. Just tossed around, wondering which way the shore is. So much of my life is like that right now. 2021 was a transformative year for me and my inner life now would be almost unrecognizable to the me of 2020.
In 2020, I was convinced I had found the golden ticket when it came to losing weight, only to find in 2021 that my metabolism was wrecked and the weight was not staying off, no matter what I tried. I also lost the close-knit community that came with the diet plan and ended up feeling incredibly duped and angry.
In 2020, I thought I just needed to find a church that was more progressive and affirming than the one I grew up in, so my husband and I tried out a different one. It just wasn’t right for me either and I knew it. It’s been over a year since I attended a church service, after going 3 times a week for the first 36 years of my life and at least once a week for the next 7. I don’t miss it, for the most part, although it did feel nice to feel like I was a part of something greater than myself. I just can’t reconcile the rest.
Again, duped and angry.
Working from home as a therapist has been an amazing turn of events. Not having to drive 2500 miles a month commuting to the city 5 days a week has saved more than just mileage on the car and money on gas. As an introvert, empath, and highly sensitive person, it saved my sanity in many ways. I absolutely adore being able to do what I feel I was put on this earth to do, but I do feel that such a solitary career contributes to a feeling of isolation and loneliness many days. While I have no plans to change my career, I know I need to seek out other social opportunities.
I have to rebuild what I lost when I removed myself from other communities.
It feels really hard, but I know I have to be able to put some new anchors down.
-KS
