February 6th
Every year on February 6th, I think about an old friend who isn’t in my life anymore. It’s bittersweet because the time I spent with this person and the memories we made together opened my eyes to many things and changed the way I saw myself and the world forever.
It might sound a bit dramatic to say that, but this person was the first person I had ever been close to who was highly intuitive, like me. We know from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator that intuitive people are in the minority in society, and that when they meet each other, it feels like kismet. This friend understood me in such a way that not only could they finish my sentences, they could finish my thoughts. We spent countless hours on the phone together (they were at a different school in a different state) when I was in college and the beginning of young adulthood, sharing ideas about the world and our unique perspectives. The hours we talked were in the thousands. The inside jokes were countless. The road trips…..epic.
February 6th is their birthday. I was never able to celebrate them in the way they deserved, because they didn’t like birthdays. They didn’t like the spotlight at all, really. All they needed and wanted from me was my presence, my conversation, and my insight.
They were the first person in my life by whom I felt truly seen. I have never had another friendship like this in the almost 25 years since. Having had someone in my life who I was able to be truly vulnerable and who brought out the best parts of me allowed me to see those things about myself for the first time. If I was smart, funny, engaging, and adventurous in their eyes, maybe I really was those things!
So, every year on this day, I think about them. I think about where they are now and what they might be doing with their life. I wonder if they have ever had another friendship like ours, and for their sake, I hope they have had a multitude of them. I hope their heart is overflowing with the kind of connection we had and they feel seen and loved in all the ways a friend can feel those things, over and over, for life.
I wonder if our paths ever crossed again if we would even like or understand one another, because of the many ways I’m sure we both have evolved and changed. For that reason, I hope we never do. It would break my heart to realize that we no longer have the capacity for connection we had back then. But I will carry those memories with me for the rest of my life, and my heart will smile a little, subtle smile when I’m reminded of something we used to talk about.
The circumstances under which we ended our friendship are complicated, but boil down to me not being satisfied with what we had. It was so magnetic, so indescribably close, that I couldn’t help but think it needed to be something else than what it was. And they were not able to be that, for reasons I know, and reasons I don’t know. It will forever be the most confusing and difficult thing I’ve ever gone through.
It will also forever be the one friendship I will never forget.
Happy birthday, old friend.
