Happy Enough

Are you truly happy or just “happy enough”?

A trend that I see in counseling is clients who are in long-term relationships and are questioning whether they should stay in the relationship or leave.  I hear some variation of “well, I’m happy enough”.

What is “happy enough”?  Does that mean overall that life’s a 5/10 on a happiness and joy scale and even though there are glaring, obvious dysfunctions and miscommunication in your relationship, it’s not worth it to the person to try for better?

I’ve seen a couple different mindsets that contribute to a person staying in a relationship even when it’s detrimental for them to do so.  The first I would classify as “This Is Probably The Best I Can Get”.  This can stem from a place of low self-worth and feeling as though asking for even the bare minimum of their needs to be met is asking too much.  This can originate from not having your needs met in childhood, which therapy can help heal.

The second mindset is “I Don’t Have To Be Happy As Long As My Kids Are Happy”.  This level of codependence is unhealthy and will set you up for a lifetime of resentment.  It will also set your kids up for a lifetime of wishing that you would have made different choices so everyone could be happier. If no one has ever told you this before, you are worth having the life you want to have and the love you deserve.

You’re supposed to have needs in relationships.  You’re supposed to have needs if you’re single.  You’re supposed to have needs if you’re HUMAN.  Basic courtesy, asking your spouse to provide support, affection, emotional labor and kindness are the bare minimums for being in a relationship.  If you are with someone who is not providing these things for no reason*, then you need to seriously evaluate whether or not you want to remain in that relationship.  (*do NOT come at me if you’re a husband and you’re mad because your wife won’t have sex with you and you spend all your time looking at your phone or in your wood shop or playing video games or drinking in your garage with your friends.  Do better.)

I work with couples all the time who are living completely separate lives under one roof.  This level of independence in a relationship works for a small percentage of couples, but I find the level of emotional and physical intimacy suffers.

I also work with couples where one party doesn’t see anything wrong with their selfish behavior and expects their spouse to continue to meet their needs.  Good luck with that.

I believe we only get one shot at this thing called life and to stay in a relationship where you “guess you’re happy enough” is a tragedy.  You can choose to do the work to make things better.  Couples therapy can help immensely.

You can also absolutely continue to choose that tragedy.

-KS